how fickle my heart & how woozy my eyes;

Sadly enough, that sums up what the past couple months have been for me. Boy, is that just a slap in the face. 

I wish it didn't, but somehow I got caught in just going through the motions of everyday life- and Christ wasn't part of my daily routine. Even though, I thought He was involved in every area of my life. Though, he wasn't really in any area of my life. simply because, i let the ways of life get in the way. The only result I've gotten is:

feeling so many different emotions- happy not being one of them, yet I choose to act it.

& pure exhaustion- in every which way and form- exhaustion.

My reason for sharing this is that- even though I may not be doing anything majorly bad.. I've realized in His eyes-the only eyes that matter-it is all sin. No matter how high or low it is on the world's scale.. it. is. sin. & I need Him, I need to accept that, once and for all. Putting down my foolish pride and admitting it.

When I had this realization, I thought, well how could I possibly fit it in to my life right now? I barely have time to have any relationships and friendships now let alone sit down and have a relationship with Jesus. It's too much. But.. it's not.. at all. In fact, I remember when I was madly in love with Him and I had the same things going on, I just made sure that I would set time aside for Him, whether it was staying up later or getting up earlier or doing it in the car.. I made sure I gave Him my time. Because even though He doesn't need our time- in fact, we could get out of the way, He doesn't need us- He wants us. He does. He does. He does. 

"..take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees."

Hallelujah. that He doesn't give up on this fickle and tired heart of mine. Hallelujah.

Life won't be slowing down at all, but it's about 

balancing out my time to that I can still take time to know my God.

That's all that matters at the end of the day, right? 

lead me to the Cross

where Your love poured out.
bring me to my knees; Lord, I lay me down.  
rid me of myself- i belong to You.

Realizing how far off track I had gotten simply because I was too busy to sit down and make time for Jesus..was humbling. heart-breaking. and tough-to say at the least.

"The combination of the silty riverbed, 

the gentle current, 

& all the activity going on in one spot made it 

appear that he was slowly sinking."

The beginning of old habits, the pain, the emotions- it all came flooding back. The enemy found that little corner in my heart, and I didn't fight it off. I put it off dealing with it. I thought, "It's midnight, I am so tired, it's been a bad day- I can't do it right now. I just need a break." WHAT AM I SAYING? I didn't need a break from Christ, I needed a break from society. Reality is- I'm never going to escape society or Christ though. Therefore, I have to make a choice as to which one I want to pursue whole-heartedly.

I've had my heart broken, I've had days where I felt the need to skip every meal, I've had days where I, literally, could not get out of bed, I've had nights where I didn't sleep, I've had moments where I am flooded in tears, I've had moments where I am ashamed that I treated my body- no, not my body-His body that He gave to me, temporarily, as I am on this earth.


When things get to be too much and all those things I just listened happen again- though, I try to avoid the littlest of thoughts of them- I am reminded that

there is nothing greater;

 than the love that holds my life.

"The gash in the clouds rippled repeatedly, as a man's heart beats, and each time there was another puff of the warm breeze. As if the sky was breathing upon them. The sky breathed a word into them. With each breath a phrase: 'This is my son. My beloved. I am pleased with him.'"


It's okay to not be okay. I am not perfect. & trying to be everything I can for society? Nah, that's not me.

I choose Christ.

& with the heavens we declare; You are our King

I have been completely overwhelmed in Him lately. I am learning once again that I am a beloved child of the KING. I'm reading a book called "Close Enough to Hear God Breathe" by Greg Paul- this book, from the first chapter, has made my heart turn.

"You are mine. My beloved. My child."

That is a beautiful and tremendous truth. I want to embrace that so much right now. I don't want to just have the zeal. But zeal AND knowledge. The past few weeks just embracing my desperate wanting to just be in Him, in His word, worshiping Him... my heart is on fire!

& now let the earth resound with praise; 

for our Savior God, He reigns!

It's funny though.. I don't have anyone to share my excitement and my passion for Christ currently- I'm literally doing a 360 degree turn in my life and no one is there to quite understand this passion. In fact, people are a little confused about it. People always knew that I was a Christ follower- but only by my Facebook status.
Since a lot of my friends knew about the lustful desires, the sadness-what I call now-the darkness... they think- "Emily? Actually living it out? Changing? No way." Someone, in fact, said "Once a good girl goes bad, she never goes back." For awhile, I believe that horrible lie. I let that sit in me and dwell for awhile. But NO. Just no. It doesn't matter what it is- you can always find your way home again. Always.
& I cannot fathom the thought that I am still sinking in His overflowing ocean of grace.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Therefore, as I've been trying to dedicate every room, crease, and corner of my heart to Him and to reflect Him.. I've realized I am called to share the beautiful and tremendous truth that has redeemed my soul. I have been praying and tossing and turning about what in the world His plan  is for my life-though, I still don't have it all figured out- right now, it's Africa. It's going there for as long as I can and serving those people. They deserve to be known. For their cry to be answered. & to know Who died to answer their cry. 

Lord, send me. 

If your will is for me to go share to the women of Rwanda or Kenya or Cape Town;

that they are a beloved daughter of the King. 

Or tell your precious children that they are beautiful

& they are loved so tremendously that we cannot wrap our minds around it. 

Or to give support to the families and tell them that

You are watching over them. 

& that if nothing else is good at the end of the day- YOU are good, God! 

So be it. Whatever you want to do with me, Lord. 

Have your way. Have your way. Have your way. 

I'm all forever Yours.

Whatever God has in store for me this year- I could not be more excited for it. Africa is on my heart. It's all for him. I'm finding myself in the midst of You- beyond the music, beyond the noise. Until the time comes- I will declare His name along with the heavens that You are King.

we the redeemed-here us singing;

You are holy! You are holy!

Beauty of the heart

"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.." 

:1 Peter 3:3-5:

 

Now, I must say I'm definitely at fault for being concerned with the way I look. Actually, I used to be overly concerned with my image to points where I wasn't happy. Now it's not a sin to wear make up or to do your hair or anything.. but none of that is what makes you truly beautiful.. or happy. The dictionary definitions of beauty and beautiful are:

Beautiful: having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind; excellent of its kind; wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Beauty: the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations, a meaningful design or pattern, or something else.

Notice nowhere it says to be wearing things that show off your figure, wearing way too much make up, lots of jewelry or anything. It’s qualities- it’s being kind, it’s being classy, it’s being poised, it's being gentle. I know a lot of the teenage girls-or even adults- are beautiful women. Not just the appearance but their hearts. I know that I used to only care about my appearance, like I've said before- I wanted to be the best.. but in the end I wasn't happy. Miss Hepburn says that happiest girls are the prettiest girls. & I couldn't agree more. When your heart is genuinely happy- there is a beauty that comes with it.

Notice it says in the verse “..the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit, which is so precious to God.” It’s things like that which make you beautiful.

When your life reflects Christ.. this is what makes you beautiful.

Needless to say, do not follow what the world says about being beautiful. It's your heart that makes you beautiful.  

We all know how much I love Audrey Hepburn, so here is one quote that I try and live by:

 

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; 

for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; 

& for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

I am _____ for 2012.

curious. ready. hopeful. at peace. vulnerable. strong. renewed.
I am done running for 2012 and the years to come.
I will accept 2011 as it came.

It's December 31st 2011, the clock hits 12:00am. All of a sudden it's 2011 again and you have the chance to redo everything. Would you?

 

I can say that if you would have asked me that question a couple of months ago I would have said yes in a second. Even though I've made many mistakes in 2011, I refuse to regret them; I refuse to ignore them; I refuse to run from everything I've done. I am going to accept 2011 as what it was. Why? I am forgiven.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." :Romans 8:1:

This year has left me completely exhausted. I know for a fact it is one I will not forget. I've learned that innocence in a beautiful and something worthy of keeping sacred. I've learned to not let people underestimate my giddy and optimistic personality. I've learned that letting God's love run through me is the first step to letting go. I've learned how to be vulnerable. I've learned that being curious is okay. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old I am- I will never have it all figured out. I will never be perfect.

 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires." :Psalm 37:4:

 

But there is so much beauty in that. There is beauty because God's grace is perfect. He already has everything figured out. He has had my life figured out and my future. There's beauty because I can never fall away from my Master.

 

& for that, I am forever grateful. 

 

My goal for 2012 is to experience God in such a way that He is more than enough for me. 

Among many other things: that all lead up to living a healthy lifestyle. & to begin to make the difference that I want to see in the world.

God has 2012 already under control. 

    “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” :John 16:33:

escape:

to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty; to slip away; fade.

I am currently seeking an escape. I think when you're young you think having more independence will give you a chance for more of an escape. It never really does though- it's just a distraction: to create a pleasant diversion.

I am looking for any of it, at this point. An escapism (the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in  an imaginative situation, activity, etc.), escape, or distraction.

I feel as if it's a selfish thought to want to drop everything and leave for a month, or a week, or even a day. I know I'd be letting many people down. I am just not so sure how much longer I can put up with the fake smiles, the fronts, the hormones, and the fickleness of today's society. I can't decide if it's crazy or heart breaking to see society change this much in only 15 years.

An escape. An escape from this world.

"We say how sick society is, but we are society."