& I will wait, I will wait for You

Those days that you just simply want to be done. Done with what? School, this town, this heartache. That is, definitely, today.
But I think I'm so tired because I'm trying so hard to move on from the past, trust completely in God and my heart isn't even breaking for my own but it's breaking. It's breaking for the hearts that don't know of the higher and holier God that is yearning for them. It's that there are still  starving people not even around the world, but in  OUR OWN community; the injustice with all the wars in Syria, Libya, Rwanda, Uganda, & so on; the ridiculous quarrels and competition between companies even.

If this is our society now.. what about our society, say 10 years from now? 

(Will it still be countless promises for change?)

The solution though.. is so, so terribly simple.

It's to love. 

It's to live out compassion. 

& our passions God has given us.

To put aside our judgements, our hatred, our pride, our sinful nature and love. Can we do it though? Can we rise to the challenge of rebelling against our own society?

That, friends, is why I am just exhausted and ready to be finished.
Ready to have my degree so I can give people hope & heart to go another day. But to not go another day without Him.
Ready to leave everything behind & get out of the comfort zone of my home.
Ready to stop wondering why in the world I hear so many people, day-to-day, saying how they want to be the change and start living their lives differently but are too distracted by their boyfriends, girlfriends, technology, their school, their social life, cars, money- to act on their words.  Have you ever wondered that?  
Am I really the only one who wants to see a movement? 

Not just change- not just tattooed words on bodies that are hoping for inspirations.

Not just change- not just lyrics in a song saying they are going to be best.

Not just change- not just making famous pieces of art of a child that is starving and hoping maybe somebody will get something out of it.

Not just change- not just saying empty words like "Tomorrow I will do something to make a positive influence not only in God's kingdom but in this world full of broken people."

A. MOVEMENT.
A movement that will change this world forever. A movement that will change lives when you tell people why and who you are getting that verse permanently seared on God's temple for. A movement that will show the emotion in a person's life of poverty, it will show that yes, they are starving but no they do not want your pity, they want authentic care. A movement that won't mean just becoming something great or making more money than those people that put you down once- it will mean that you are going to become a better person yourself and forgive that person and love on them.
A movement that will mean you will stop what you are doing right then and there and do something different to make a positive influence.

People will not remember the words that you have said, but they will, I guarantee they will, remember the things that you have done. They aren't going to remember when you simply said something about volunteering or reading your bible or having authentic worship- they're gonna remember when they see you being Christ's hands and feet.
If you aren't "religious"? It still applies to you. Why? Because you cannot deny that you don't see the poverty of a child who is supposed to be 10 years old but could barely pass for a 3 year old and say your heart isn't moved in a way you cannot ignore. You can still do something. Whether you donate, go there, volunteer- it's up to you.

But please. Let's stop these empty promises.
Act. Create a movement. It's never too late. Right now. Move.

Tired? Yes. Passionate? Definitely. Alone on this? Quite possibly.
Am I giving up? Definitely not.
(I wait for the day that He gives me rest, but I refuse to stop trying even for a minute. 
I may be done with today but He isn't done with us.)

“Then this humanlike figure touched me again 

& gave me strength. 

He said, ‘Don’t be afraid, beloved... 

Peace. 

Everything is going to be all right. 

Take courage. 

Be strong."

It's time to begin again.

It's been decided. I'll be walking across the stage in June 2013
My  2 year plan. 24 months. is being put into 5 short months.. I have this. Or, I hope I do.
& even on days that I think I don't have it, any of it, I'll flaunt it like I do until the end of the day- when I can take my hair down, end up on my knees, praying for help to get over this day, for strength for the next, and hope.

Maybe this is good though...
Deciding to stay away from any kind of relationships.. Focusing on my education.. Getting my license.. Finding a job..
& so on.

As back and forth as I have been lately about everything- I need to rest secure in Him. not him. or her. or you.

in Him.

"let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him;

for He shields them all day long."

I was able to escape to the beach-just overnight for the weekend- and I'm so glad that I did. If you've been reading my blog for awhile: you know that the beach, salt water, sand- it's my outlet. 

I'm coming back home though
& I'm so happy that God is willing to set this heart free once again...
& that He doesn't judge.. and only loves..

All this time I knew I always was able to come back here to this place of redemption and sanity.. & be on my knees, broken and abandoned- but with hope because my God.
well, He never, ever fails. & hasn't left my side since day 1.

remind my soul..

that I am Yours..

I am forever Yours...

Idealistic, Realistic- love.

Growing up I surprisingly enough didn't dream what my wedding would one day look like or what my wedding dress would look like. Or even what the guy would look like whom I would marry.

That hasn't changed much- even to this day.

Instead, I grew up reading the Magic Tree House books and I would dream about going on adventures. Adventures by myself, mainly. But as I grew older I started to understand the want for a companion. My dreams and the way I would ideally think about my life would consist of a tall, strong, intelligent man-whom I felt safe with- we would travel and go on adventures together. Whether they be adventures to Circle  K late at night for Ben & Jerry's or adventures to Moscow to discover their culture. We would go on adventures. 

& we would be madly in love in that way, we would both have a passion for seeing the sparkling greenery of Ireland,
the lights of Japan,  
the amazing stars of the Grand Canyon,

the northern lights..

That's what I've always dreamt of, even to this very day. But most importanly, he would love me. He would love my independent, quiet, wanderlust heart that may be such a mess sometimes and have a huge wall around it... But he would be able to break that down.

Our love would be more beautiful than any wedding I could begin to dream of.

Our lives would be exciting every day.

Our lives would be putting curiosity into action.

Our lives would be spontaneous and passionate.

Above all of this though, we would be happy.
I would make him feel silly, curious, and more loved than he has ever felt.
He would make me feel soft, feminine, and that I was enough for somebody.

My prince charming isn't dressed in a suit and tie, or a jersey, or khakis, or a baseball hat.
He just has a heart for adventure and for me.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1- go.

That's it. Summer is over. 

My high school career continues and my "college career" begins in less than 24 hours.

Ya know, it's weird.. being the one who's getting asked "When do you test for your license?" "Do you have any colleges in mind yet?" "Do you know what you want to do?"

I feel no where near that old. I don't know if it's that being this age isn't all it's cracked up to be? Or I've just been counting down the days so I've been prepared for it.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for my Junior year. For my first term at community college. I have literally been counting down the years.. months.. weeks.. days.. and now it's tomorrow. My countdown is almost up!

I have a feeling these next two years are going to be big. Big things are going to happen. It's going to require a lot of late nights, no sleep, hard work, and balance. Since I had so many things I wanted to do, I thought I would make a list. Even though, you may not care to see them- here are my goals for before I graduate high school:

1. Get my license in January.

2. Get a good job in February.

3. Visit University of Maryland.

4. Pass all of my classes with a B(at the least).

5. Decide my major.

6. Get accepted into University of Maryland.

7. Have my graduation announcement say: "Emily successfully graduated with her AA in ______, she will be furthering her education at the University of Maryland in the Fall."

Start strong, end stronger.

I've gotta say though- I'm going to miss summer nights by the fire, rainy days watching movies, sunny days by the water, traveling, etc. Summer of 2012 has been the best time I've had in awhile. Memories I'll never forget, without a doubt. 

I've learned this summer that the things you do matter a lot more as you get older. My choices, my actions, what I say- it matters. I may be figuring out life slowly and how in the world I'm going to accomplish all of these goals in two years.. but I'm ready for it. 

This is the beginning to the end. 

I'm ready. 

The countdown is up.

5.

4.

3. 

2.

1.

GO.

Inspiration, Hopeful, Awakened

I have a confrence this weekend called "The Gloabal Leadership Summit."

I have high hopes for this to inspire me and to renew my mind a little bit.

Lord,

I don't exactly know what to say to You. It hurts me that I don't know.

But I do know that I haven't put a limit on what You can do for 16 years-

& that isn't starting today.

I pray that You will breathe life into me again. Breathe hope, breathe love.

I'm forever grateful that I serve a God whom loves me, cares for me, and knows how to care for me.

A mere, sinful human being- You choose to care for.

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

My soul can't help but sing.

Breaking people down won't build you up.

Everybody gets worn out, right?
Everybody gets emotionally drained, right?
Everybody gets to the breaking point, right?
Everybody has an outlet, right? Wrong.

I've always been that outlet for people, for some reason. It used to be something I struggled with because I would take comments personally-that people were only saying out of sadness or anger. My mom(whom I love so very much, one of my role models in life. Wonderful story, wonderful woman of God.) told me that God just blessed me with a heart that could handle a lot, a loyal heart, and a listening heart. I really am grateful that God blessed me with the heart that He has. But whether it be my sister or a friend- the comments can get to be overwhelming and I can start to take it to heart. Everything they decide to put on me gets to be too much.

& I'm sitting, empty handed, alone-
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Wondering why I am so tired.

Wondering what I need to change.

Wondering what more I could possibly do.

It hurts. 

I'm typically a happy, bubbly person and I do my best to make everyone happy too. If they're in a bad mood, I try to point out the positives or refocus their attention once they are done letting it all out. Apparently, it can be too much though. I understand that and I always have to keep myself and my attitude in check so I don't get misinterpreted as ditzy or rude.

But they don't understand that I don't have an outlet.
I have to suck it up and move on and be happy.

& most importantly, stay strong.

I'd like to say I have the answers.

But for once, I'm still sitting here empty handed.

*iPhone post. I apologize for the quality.*

"The A-Team"

My whole life I have always loved music. It has always spoken to me- or simply just been there for me to get me to stop thinking. Which for me, works out well. :) I listen to ever genre, every band, every era- if you show me a band or artist, I will love it, I'm sure.

I've been into some Ed Sheeran tunes lately. I was recommending him to a friend and later that night he asked me if I have ever read the lyrics to the song and what I thought the song meant. I didn't think about it with this one, it was just a song to listen to for me with a nice acoustic sound to it..

Then, I read the lyrics. I didn't respond to my dear friend because I really wasn't sure what I thought of the lyrics! Half of me was heart-broken because it makes me sad if anyone is feeling this way then half of me was thinking "it's just a song." The majority of artists have inspirations behind their song though, right? It's what makes it easier for us to relate to the song.

I, nonetheless, realized that this song was describing what I hope the world would never come to or at least, the world would love these people.

"White lips, pale face.

Breathing in snowflakes, burnt lungs, sour taste.

Light's gone, day's end, struggling to pay rent-

long nights, strange men.

& they say she's in the class A team, stuck in her daydream-

been this way since 18.

But lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries."

Yet, instead of trying to help and love these girls-or even guys- we are writing songs about them. That is what hurt me, I think. That these are the people that need love. I know that when I was in sin, when I was hurting..

"Hurt people, hurt people." 

I needed love. I needed to be told that I didn't need to be living these ways. Now whether it be lust, love, money, having idols- anything, you turn to those things because you feel like you're missing something, right? Well, it's Jesus. 

"& instantly, we are spotless-

when we were spiritual whores,

'cause when He walked out of the grave:

 He left our sin on the floor"

Now, I'm not saying it is ever easy- even when you do let Him change your life, it. is. difficult. I still struggle with so much, daily, but reminding yourself that Jesus died for me. Not a future me, He died for me today. He died for who I am at this very moment. 

I say we stop writing songs about these hurt people-hurt people being anyone, maybe even myself- and actually loving them.

גאל