My life was seeming to be never-ending drama, hurting and full of desires of the world. Everything that I had once said I would never turn out to be. I had gotten so caught up in being everything I could for everyone, than I got to being everything I could be for select people, than I got to not caring- at all. I would feel the conviction in everything I did that was wrong but I would choose to ignore it. I would choose to ignore His mercy. For a fifteen year old, you would almost think that's nothing out of the ordinary, right?
No. I never wanted to be ordinary.
I wanted to change deep down inside because I knew He was not giving up on me. Though, I would still keep on making excuses for why I let my heart get to such a sick state. I thought to be the best and to have the "good life," I had to be the skinniest, the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest.. the list went on and on. I did everything it took to pursue and to lead on that I had the life. Well.. what I thought was the life. I know I put myself in all of these situations.
Throughout all of my drama, and throughout this change that I had to (still am) go through- I realize there is more to life than high school and the decisions I make here on this earth.
I cannot believe that I would let myself be this person with so many different masks on.
So now, I am going to live my life as transparent as I can. Above all, I am going to live my life for Him. I will live my life to make a difference. To change the world to see through God's light.
Praise Him that He forgives.
Praise Him for redeeming my soul.
Praise Him for being more than enough for me.
Praise Him for never giving up.
Praise Him for His love.
"Now You pull me near to You- when we're close I fear You, still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done. Are You done forgiving or can You look past my pretending, Lord? I'm so tired of defending what I've become.
The times you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend- well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.
The times that you're healing and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal. In times of confusion, in chaos and pain- I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm- my love, I will keep you by my power alone.
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been- I'll never forsake you. My love never ends."
Being promised that He will never forsake me is what gives me hope. It's what gives me peace.
"..for You have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32
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