I am _____ for 2012.

curious. ready. hopeful. at peace. vulnerable. strong. renewed.
I am done running for 2012 and the years to come.
I will accept 2011 as it came.

It's December 31st 2011, the clock hits 12:00am. All of a sudden it's 2011 again and you have the chance to redo everything. Would you?

 

I can say that if you would have asked me that question a couple of months ago I would have said yes in a second. Even though I've made many mistakes in 2011, I refuse to regret them; I refuse to ignore them; I refuse to run from everything I've done. I am going to accept 2011 as what it was. Why? I am forgiven.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." :Romans 8:1:

This year has left me completely exhausted. I know for a fact it is one I will not forget. I've learned that innocence in a beautiful and something worthy of keeping sacred. I've learned to not let people underestimate my giddy and optimistic personality. I've learned that letting God's love run through me is the first step to letting go. I've learned how to be vulnerable. I've learned that being curious is okay. I've learned that it doesn't matter how old I am- I will never have it all figured out. I will never be perfect.

 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires." :Psalm 37:4:

 

But there is so much beauty in that. There is beauty because God's grace is perfect. He already has everything figured out. He has had my life figured out and my future. There's beauty because I can never fall away from my Master.

 

& for that, I am forever grateful. 

 

My goal for 2012 is to experience God in such a way that He is more than enough for me. 

Among many other things: that all lead up to living a healthy lifestyle. & to begin to make the difference that I want to see in the world.

God has 2012 already under control. 

    “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” :John 16:33:

escape:

to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty; to slip away; fade.

I am currently seeking an escape. I think when you're young you think having more independence will give you a chance for more of an escape. It never really does though- it's just a distraction: to create a pleasant diversion.

I am looking for any of it, at this point. An escapism (the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in  an imaginative situation, activity, etc.), escape, or distraction.

I feel as if it's a selfish thought to want to drop everything and leave for a month, or a week, or even a day. I know I'd be letting many people down. I am just not so sure how much longer I can put up with the fake smiles, the fronts, the hormones, and the fickleness of today's society. I can't decide if it's crazy or heart breaking to see society change this much in only 15 years.

An escape. An escape from this world.

"We say how sick society is, but we are society."

i'm done with excuses for what I've become,

My life was seeming to be never-ending drama, hurting and full of desires of the world. Everything that I had once said I would never turn out to be. I had gotten so caught up in being everything I could for everyone, than I got to being everything I could be for select people, than I got to not caring- at all. I would feel the conviction in everything I did that was wrong but I would choose to ignore it. I would choose to ignore His mercy. For a fifteen year old, you would almost think that's nothing out of the ordinary, right?
No. I never wanted to be ordinary.

I wanted to change deep down inside because I knew He was not giving up on me. Though, I would still keep on making excuses for why I let my heart get to such a sick state. I thought to be the best and to have the "good life," I had to be the skinniest, the prettiest, the sexiest, the smartest.. the list went on and on. I did everything it took to pursue and to lead on that I had the life. Well.. what I thought was the life. I know I put myself in all of these situations.

Throughout all of my drama, and throughout this change that I had to (still am) go through- I realize there is more to life than high school and the decisions I make here on this earth.
I cannot believe that I would let myself be this person with so many different masks on.

So now, I am going to live my life as transparent as I can. Above all, I am going to live my life for Him. I will live my life to make a difference. To change the world to see through God's light.

Praise Him that He forgives.
Praise Him for redeeming my soul.
Praise Him for being more than enough for me.
Praise Him for never giving up.
Praise Him for His love.

"Now You pull me near to You- when we're close I fear You, still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done. Are You done forgiving or can You look past my pretending, Lord? I'm so tired of defending what I've become.
The times you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me and the times that you bend- well my love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.
The times that you're healing and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal. In times of confusion, in chaos and pain- I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm- my love, I will keep you by my power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been- I'll never forsake you. My love never ends."
Being promised that He will never forsake me is what gives me hope. It's what gives me peace.

"..for You have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32