Idealistic, Realistic- love.

Growing up I surprisingly enough didn't dream what my wedding would one day look like or what my wedding dress would look like. Or even what the guy would look like whom I would marry.

That hasn't changed much- even to this day.

Instead, I grew up reading the Magic Tree House books and I would dream about going on adventures. Adventures by myself, mainly. But as I grew older I started to understand the want for a companion. My dreams and the way I would ideally think about my life would consist of a tall, strong, intelligent man-whom I felt safe with- we would travel and go on adventures together. Whether they be adventures to Circle  K late at night for Ben & Jerry's or adventures to Moscow to discover their culture. We would go on adventures. 

& we would be madly in love in that way, we would both have a passion for seeing the sparkling greenery of Ireland,
the lights of Japan,  
the amazing stars of the Grand Canyon,

the northern lights..

That's what I've always dreamt of, even to this very day. But most importanly, he would love me. He would love my independent, quiet, wanderlust heart that may be such a mess sometimes and have a huge wall around it... But he would be able to break that down.

Our love would be more beautiful than any wedding I could begin to dream of.

Our lives would be exciting every day.

Our lives would be putting curiosity into action.

Our lives would be spontaneous and passionate.

Above all of this though, we would be happy.
I would make him feel silly, curious, and more loved than he has ever felt.
He would make me feel soft, feminine, and that I was enough for somebody.

My prince charming isn't dressed in a suit and tie, or a jersey, or khakis, or a baseball hat.
He just has a heart for adventure and for me.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1- go.

That's it. Summer is over. 

My high school career continues and my "college career" begins in less than 24 hours.

Ya know, it's weird.. being the one who's getting asked "When do you test for your license?" "Do you have any colleges in mind yet?" "Do you know what you want to do?"

I feel no where near that old. I don't know if it's that being this age isn't all it's cracked up to be? Or I've just been counting down the days so I've been prepared for it.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for my Junior year. For my first term at community college. I have literally been counting down the years.. months.. weeks.. days.. and now it's tomorrow. My countdown is almost up!

I have a feeling these next two years are going to be big. Big things are going to happen. It's going to require a lot of late nights, no sleep, hard work, and balance. Since I had so many things I wanted to do, I thought I would make a list. Even though, you may not care to see them- here are my goals for before I graduate high school:

1. Get my license in January.

2. Get a good job in February.

3. Visit University of Maryland.

4. Pass all of my classes with a B(at the least).

5. Decide my major.

6. Get accepted into University of Maryland.

7. Have my graduation announcement say: "Emily successfully graduated with her AA in ______, she will be furthering her education at the University of Maryland in the Fall."

Start strong, end stronger.

I've gotta say though- I'm going to miss summer nights by the fire, rainy days watching movies, sunny days by the water, traveling, etc. Summer of 2012 has been the best time I've had in awhile. Memories I'll never forget, without a doubt. 

I've learned this summer that the things you do matter a lot more as you get older. My choices, my actions, what I say- it matters. I may be figuring out life slowly and how in the world I'm going to accomplish all of these goals in two years.. but I'm ready for it. 

This is the beginning to the end. 

I'm ready. 

The countdown is up.

5.

4.

3. 

2.

1.

GO.

Inspiration, Hopeful, Awakened

I have a confrence this weekend called "The Gloabal Leadership Summit."

I have high hopes for this to inspire me and to renew my mind a little bit.

Lord,

I don't exactly know what to say to You. It hurts me that I don't know.

But I do know that I haven't put a limit on what You can do for 16 years-

& that isn't starting today.

I pray that You will breathe life into me again. Breathe hope, breathe love.

I'm forever grateful that I serve a God whom loves me, cares for me, and knows how to care for me.

A mere, sinful human being- You choose to care for.

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

My soul can't help but sing.

Breaking people down won't build you up.

Everybody gets worn out, right?
Everybody gets emotionally drained, right?
Everybody gets to the breaking point, right?
Everybody has an outlet, right? Wrong.

I've always been that outlet for people, for some reason. It used to be something I struggled with because I would take comments personally-that people were only saying out of sadness or anger. My mom(whom I love so very much, one of my role models in life. Wonderful story, wonderful woman of God.) told me that God just blessed me with a heart that could handle a lot, a loyal heart, and a listening heart. I really am grateful that God blessed me with the heart that He has. But whether it be my sister or a friend- the comments can get to be overwhelming and I can start to take it to heart. Everything they decide to put on me gets to be too much.

& I'm sitting, empty handed, alone-
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Wondering why I am so tired.

Wondering what I need to change.

Wondering what more I could possibly do.

It hurts. 

I'm typically a happy, bubbly person and I do my best to make everyone happy too. If they're in a bad mood, I try to point out the positives or refocus their attention once they are done letting it all out. Apparently, it can be too much though. I understand that and I always have to keep myself and my attitude in check so I don't get misinterpreted as ditzy or rude.

But they don't understand that I don't have an outlet.
I have to suck it up and move on and be happy.

& most importantly, stay strong.

I'd like to say I have the answers.

But for once, I'm still sitting here empty handed.

*iPhone post. I apologize for the quality.*

"The A-Team"

My whole life I have always loved music. It has always spoken to me- or simply just been there for me to get me to stop thinking. Which for me, works out well. :) I listen to ever genre, every band, every era- if you show me a band or artist, I will love it, I'm sure.

I've been into some Ed Sheeran tunes lately. I was recommending him to a friend and later that night he asked me if I have ever read the lyrics to the song and what I thought the song meant. I didn't think about it with this one, it was just a song to listen to for me with a nice acoustic sound to it..

Then, I read the lyrics. I didn't respond to my dear friend because I really wasn't sure what I thought of the lyrics! Half of me was heart-broken because it makes me sad if anyone is feeling this way then half of me was thinking "it's just a song." The majority of artists have inspirations behind their song though, right? It's what makes it easier for us to relate to the song.

I, nonetheless, realized that this song was describing what I hope the world would never come to or at least, the world would love these people.

"White lips, pale face.

Breathing in snowflakes, burnt lungs, sour taste.

Light's gone, day's end, struggling to pay rent-

long nights, strange men.

& they say she's in the class A team, stuck in her daydream-

been this way since 18.

But lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries."

Yet, instead of trying to help and love these girls-or even guys- we are writing songs about them. That is what hurt me, I think. That these are the people that need love. I know that when I was in sin, when I was hurting..

"Hurt people, hurt people." 

I needed love. I needed to be told that I didn't need to be living these ways. Now whether it be lust, love, money, having idols- anything, you turn to those things because you feel like you're missing something, right? Well, it's Jesus. 

"& instantly, we are spotless-

when we were spiritual whores,

'cause when He walked out of the grave:

 He left our sin on the floor"

Now, I'm not saying it is ever easy- even when you do let Him change your life, it. is. difficult. I still struggle with so much, daily, but reminding yourself that Jesus died for me. Not a future me, He died for me today. He died for who I am at this very moment. 

I say we stop writing songs about these hurt people-hurt people being anyone, maybe even myself- and actually loving them.

גאל

independce, graduations, and all things confusing; my life currently

Well, today my sister graduated high school. I can't say I didn't see this coming considering my sister is somebody who is determined, intelligent, and knows what she wants out of life. She's someone who I can always look up to and that I'm grateful for since I don't have consistent people in my life, unfortunately. 

That being said.. I am so very proud of my sister and the person whom she is becoming and I'm proud of what we have made out of our lives; the 'what ifs' are running wild through my head this week.

What if we stayed in Florida? 

Would there be better colleges for me to apply to? Would we be happier? 

Would it be a better area? Would I have more role models? 

The list really does go on and on.

I recently signed up for some college classes so that I could get my AA by the time I graduate. Yep, folks, I'll be 18 years old, in high school, with my AA and diploma. Now, that little, harmless thought didn't hit me until after I signed up for the classes and all was said and done. Everybody kept asking me what I thought about that and that they were so impressed by that and all this stuff. I was confused as to why, I thought "hey, this will be great! I'll be ahead of the game!" But my parents have also taught me that I should always do my best, so I didn't think about it because not a lot of people understand what it's like to try and do this.

So yeah, Emily, you'll be ahead of the game. You're gonna go to college in August. Then August of next year you're gonna apply to colleges to go get your Master's at!

I think what scares me about it is that I feel so young, so. so. young. 

But I'm seeing how life flies by you and one day you wake up and life is different, completely different. Don't get me wrong here, I really cannot wait to go to college so I can be a teacher. Whether it be Special Education I go into or just Elementary Education- I cannot wait! I'm pumped to do it! Knowing the effect that the adults in my life have had on me- though, many aren't in my life anymore- I want to have that effect on kids who want to succeed but don't have the right role models. 

(I want to make a difference in these kids lives because

I believe every single kid deserves the chance to succeed

& feel good about their lives-

regardless of any of their circumstances.)

So, even though I am so excited to see where my crazy life takes me next..at this point, I have a feeling it could be absolutely anywhere..but I want to remember to stay calm. I want to enjoy life best I can and be happy and realize my blessings daily, walk with Him daily and grow everyday.

All the answers I had when I was a child, are now 

really turning into questions as I grow older.

But I'm okay with that. I'm 16 years old, no matter if I'm in college or not, it's okay if I don't have the answers right now. 

"Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."

how fickle my heart & how woozy my eyes;

Sadly enough, that sums up what the past couple months have been for me. Boy, is that just a slap in the face. 

I wish it didn't, but somehow I got caught in just going through the motions of everyday life- and Christ wasn't part of my daily routine. Even though, I thought He was involved in every area of my life. Though, he wasn't really in any area of my life. simply because, i let the ways of life get in the way. The only result I've gotten is:

feeling so many different emotions- happy not being one of them, yet I choose to act it.

& pure exhaustion- in every which way and form- exhaustion.

My reason for sharing this is that- even though I may not be doing anything majorly bad.. I've realized in His eyes-the only eyes that matter-it is all sin. No matter how high or low it is on the world's scale.. it. is. sin. & I need Him, I need to accept that, once and for all. Putting down my foolish pride and admitting it.

When I had this realization, I thought, well how could I possibly fit it in to my life right now? I barely have time to have any relationships and friendships now let alone sit down and have a relationship with Jesus. It's too much. But.. it's not.. at all. In fact, I remember when I was madly in love with Him and I had the same things going on, I just made sure that I would set time aside for Him, whether it was staying up later or getting up earlier or doing it in the car.. I made sure I gave Him my time. Because even though He doesn't need our time- in fact, we could get out of the way, He doesn't need us- He wants us. He does. He does. He does. 

"..take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees."

Hallelujah. that He doesn't give up on this fickle and tired heart of mine. Hallelujah.

Life won't be slowing down at all, but it's about 

balancing out my time to that I can still take time to know my God.

That's all that matters at the end of the day, right?