"The A-Team"

My whole life I have always loved music. It has always spoken to me- or simply just been there for me to get me to stop thinking. Which for me, works out well. :) I listen to ever genre, every band, every era- if you show me a band or artist, I will love it, I'm sure.

I've been into some Ed Sheeran tunes lately. I was recommending him to a friend and later that night he asked me if I have ever read the lyrics to the song and what I thought the song meant. I didn't think about it with this one, it was just a song to listen to for me with a nice acoustic sound to it..

Then, I read the lyrics. I didn't respond to my dear friend because I really wasn't sure what I thought of the lyrics! Half of me was heart-broken because it makes me sad if anyone is feeling this way then half of me was thinking "it's just a song." The majority of artists have inspirations behind their song though, right? It's what makes it easier for us to relate to the song.

I, nonetheless, realized that this song was describing what I hope the world would never come to or at least, the world would love these people.

"White lips, pale face.

Breathing in snowflakes, burnt lungs, sour taste.

Light's gone, day's end, struggling to pay rent-

long nights, strange men.

& they say she's in the class A team, stuck in her daydream-

been this way since 18.

But lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries."

Yet, instead of trying to help and love these girls-or even guys- we are writing songs about them. That is what hurt me, I think. That these are the people that need love. I know that when I was in sin, when I was hurting..

"Hurt people, hurt people." 

I needed love. I needed to be told that I didn't need to be living these ways. Now whether it be lust, love, money, having idols- anything, you turn to those things because you feel like you're missing something, right? Well, it's Jesus. 

"& instantly, we are spotless-

when we were spiritual whores,

'cause when He walked out of the grave:

 He left our sin on the floor"

Now, I'm not saying it is ever easy- even when you do let Him change your life, it. is. difficult. I still struggle with so much, daily, but reminding yourself that Jesus died for me. Not a future me, He died for me today. He died for who I am at this very moment. 

I say we stop writing songs about these hurt people-hurt people being anyone, maybe even myself- and actually loving them.

גאל

independce, graduations, and all things confusing; my life currently

Well, today my sister graduated high school. I can't say I didn't see this coming considering my sister is somebody who is determined, intelligent, and knows what she wants out of life. She's someone who I can always look up to and that I'm grateful for since I don't have consistent people in my life, unfortunately. 

That being said.. I am so very proud of my sister and the person whom she is becoming and I'm proud of what we have made out of our lives; the 'what ifs' are running wild through my head this week.

What if we stayed in Florida? 

Would there be better colleges for me to apply to? Would we be happier? 

Would it be a better area? Would I have more role models? 

The list really does go on and on.

I recently signed up for some college classes so that I could get my AA by the time I graduate. Yep, folks, I'll be 18 years old, in high school, with my AA and diploma. Now, that little, harmless thought didn't hit me until after I signed up for the classes and all was said and done. Everybody kept asking me what I thought about that and that they were so impressed by that and all this stuff. I was confused as to why, I thought "hey, this will be great! I'll be ahead of the game!" But my parents have also taught me that I should always do my best, so I didn't think about it because not a lot of people understand what it's like to try and do this.

So yeah, Emily, you'll be ahead of the game. You're gonna go to college in August. Then August of next year you're gonna apply to colleges to go get your Master's at!

I think what scares me about it is that I feel so young, so. so. young. 

But I'm seeing how life flies by you and one day you wake up and life is different, completely different. Don't get me wrong here, I really cannot wait to go to college so I can be a teacher. Whether it be Special Education I go into or just Elementary Education- I cannot wait! I'm pumped to do it! Knowing the effect that the adults in my life have had on me- though, many aren't in my life anymore- I want to have that effect on kids who want to succeed but don't have the right role models. 

(I want to make a difference in these kids lives because

I believe every single kid deserves the chance to succeed

& feel good about their lives-

regardless of any of their circumstances.)

So, even though I am so excited to see where my crazy life takes me next..at this point, I have a feeling it could be absolutely anywhere..but I want to remember to stay calm. I want to enjoy life best I can and be happy and realize my blessings daily, walk with Him daily and grow everyday.

All the answers I had when I was a child, are now 

really turning into questions as I grow older.

But I'm okay with that. I'm 16 years old, no matter if I'm in college or not, it's okay if I don't have the answers right now. 

"Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."

how fickle my heart & how woozy my eyes;

Sadly enough, that sums up what the past couple months have been for me. Boy, is that just a slap in the face. 

I wish it didn't, but somehow I got caught in just going through the motions of everyday life- and Christ wasn't part of my daily routine. Even though, I thought He was involved in every area of my life. Though, he wasn't really in any area of my life. simply because, i let the ways of life get in the way. The only result I've gotten is:

feeling so many different emotions- happy not being one of them, yet I choose to act it.

& pure exhaustion- in every which way and form- exhaustion.

My reason for sharing this is that- even though I may not be doing anything majorly bad.. I've realized in His eyes-the only eyes that matter-it is all sin. No matter how high or low it is on the world's scale.. it. is. sin. & I need Him, I need to accept that, once and for all. Putting down my foolish pride and admitting it.

When I had this realization, I thought, well how could I possibly fit it in to my life right now? I barely have time to have any relationships and friendships now let alone sit down and have a relationship with Jesus. It's too much. But.. it's not.. at all. In fact, I remember when I was madly in love with Him and I had the same things going on, I just made sure that I would set time aside for Him, whether it was staying up later or getting up earlier or doing it in the car.. I made sure I gave Him my time. Because even though He doesn't need our time- in fact, we could get out of the way, He doesn't need us- He wants us. He does. He does. He does. 

"..take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees."

Hallelujah. that He doesn't give up on this fickle and tired heart of mine. Hallelujah.

Life won't be slowing down at all, but it's about 

balancing out my time to that I can still take time to know my God.

That's all that matters at the end of the day, right? 

lead me to the Cross

where Your love poured out.
bring me to my knees; Lord, I lay me down.  
rid me of myself- i belong to You.

Realizing how far off track I had gotten simply because I was too busy to sit down and make time for Jesus..was humbling. heart-breaking. and tough-to say at the least.

"The combination of the silty riverbed, 

the gentle current, 

& all the activity going on in one spot made it 

appear that he was slowly sinking."

The beginning of old habits, the pain, the emotions- it all came flooding back. The enemy found that little corner in my heart, and I didn't fight it off. I put it off dealing with it. I thought, "It's midnight, I am so tired, it's been a bad day- I can't do it right now. I just need a break." WHAT AM I SAYING? I didn't need a break from Christ, I needed a break from society. Reality is- I'm never going to escape society or Christ though. Therefore, I have to make a choice as to which one I want to pursue whole-heartedly.

I've had my heart broken, I've had days where I felt the need to skip every meal, I've had days where I, literally, could not get out of bed, I've had nights where I didn't sleep, I've had moments where I am flooded in tears, I've had moments where I am ashamed that I treated my body- no, not my body-His body that He gave to me, temporarily, as I am on this earth.


When things get to be too much and all those things I just listened happen again- though, I try to avoid the littlest of thoughts of them- I am reminded that

there is nothing greater;

 than the love that holds my life.

"The gash in the clouds rippled repeatedly, as a man's heart beats, and each time there was another puff of the warm breeze. As if the sky was breathing upon them. The sky breathed a word into them. With each breath a phrase: 'This is my son. My beloved. I am pleased with him.'"


It's okay to not be okay. I am not perfect. & trying to be everything I can for society? Nah, that's not me.

I choose Christ.

& with the heavens we declare; You are our King

I have been completely overwhelmed in Him lately. I am learning once again that I am a beloved child of the KING. I'm reading a book called "Close Enough to Hear God Breathe" by Greg Paul- this book, from the first chapter, has made my heart turn.

"You are mine. My beloved. My child."

That is a beautiful and tremendous truth. I want to embrace that so much right now. I don't want to just have the zeal. But zeal AND knowledge. The past few weeks just embracing my desperate wanting to just be in Him, in His word, worshiping Him... my heart is on fire!

& now let the earth resound with praise; 

for our Savior God, He reigns!

It's funny though.. I don't have anyone to share my excitement and my passion for Christ currently- I'm literally doing a 360 degree turn in my life and no one is there to quite understand this passion. In fact, people are a little confused about it. People always knew that I was a Christ follower- but only by my Facebook status.
Since a lot of my friends knew about the lustful desires, the sadness-what I call now-the darkness... they think- "Emily? Actually living it out? Changing? No way." Someone, in fact, said "Once a good girl goes bad, she never goes back." For awhile, I believe that horrible lie. I let that sit in me and dwell for awhile. But NO. Just no. It doesn't matter what it is- you can always find your way home again. Always.
& I cannot fathom the thought that I am still sinking in His overflowing ocean of grace.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Therefore, as I've been trying to dedicate every room, crease, and corner of my heart to Him and to reflect Him.. I've realized I am called to share the beautiful and tremendous truth that has redeemed my soul. I have been praying and tossing and turning about what in the world His plan  is for my life-though, I still don't have it all figured out- right now, it's Africa. It's going there for as long as I can and serving those people. They deserve to be known. For their cry to be answered. & to know Who died to answer their cry. 

Lord, send me. 

If your will is for me to go share to the women of Rwanda or Kenya or Cape Town;

that they are a beloved daughter of the King. 

Or tell your precious children that they are beautiful

& they are loved so tremendously that we cannot wrap our minds around it. 

Or to give support to the families and tell them that

You are watching over them. 

& that if nothing else is good at the end of the day- YOU are good, God! 

So be it. Whatever you want to do with me, Lord. 

Have your way. Have your way. Have your way. 

I'm all forever Yours.

Whatever God has in store for me this year- I could not be more excited for it. Africa is on my heart. It's all for him. I'm finding myself in the midst of You- beyond the music, beyond the noise. Until the time comes- I will declare His name along with the heavens that You are King.

we the redeemed-here us singing;

You are holy! You are holy!

Beauty of the heart

"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.." 

:1 Peter 3:3-5:

 

Now, I must say I'm definitely at fault for being concerned with the way I look. Actually, I used to be overly concerned with my image to points where I wasn't happy. Now it's not a sin to wear make up or to do your hair or anything.. but none of that is what makes you truly beautiful.. or happy. The dictionary definitions of beauty and beautiful are:

Beautiful: having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind; excellent of its kind; wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

Beauty: the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations, a meaningful design or pattern, or something else.

Notice nowhere it says to be wearing things that show off your figure, wearing way too much make up, lots of jewelry or anything. It’s qualities- it’s being kind, it’s being classy, it’s being poised, it's being gentle. I know a lot of the teenage girls-or even adults- are beautiful women. Not just the appearance but their hearts. I know that I used to only care about my appearance, like I've said before- I wanted to be the best.. but in the end I wasn't happy. Miss Hepburn says that happiest girls are the prettiest girls. & I couldn't agree more. When your heart is genuinely happy- there is a beauty that comes with it.

Notice it says in the verse “..the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit, which is so precious to God.” It’s things like that which make you beautiful.

When your life reflects Christ.. this is what makes you beautiful.

Needless to say, do not follow what the world says about being beautiful. It's your heart that makes you beautiful.  

We all know how much I love Audrey Hepburn, so here is one quote that I try and live by:

 

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; 

for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; 

& for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”