Idealistic, Realistic- love.

Growing up I surprisingly enough didn't dream what my wedding would one day look like or what my wedding dress would look like. Or even what the guy would look like whom I would marry.

That hasn't changed much- even to this day.

Instead, I grew up reading the Magic Tree House books and I would dream about going on adventures. Adventures by myself, mainly. But as I grew older I started to understand the want for a companion. My dreams and the way I would ideally think about my life would consist of a tall, strong, intelligent man-whom I felt safe with- we would travel and go on adventures together. Whether they be adventures to Circle  K late at night for Ben & Jerry's or adventures to Moscow to discover their culture. We would go on adventures. 

& we would be madly in love in that way, we would both have a passion for seeing the sparkling greenery of Ireland,
the lights of Japan,  
the amazing stars of the Grand Canyon,

the northern lights..

That's what I've always dreamt of, even to this very day. But most importanly, he would love me. He would love my independent, quiet, wanderlust heart that may be such a mess sometimes and have a huge wall around it... But he would be able to break that down.

Our love would be more beautiful than any wedding I could begin to dream of.

Our lives would be exciting every day.

Our lives would be putting curiosity into action.

Our lives would be spontaneous and passionate.

Above all of this though, we would be happy.
I would make him feel silly, curious, and more loved than he has ever felt.
He would make me feel soft, feminine, and that I was enough for somebody.

My prince charming isn't dressed in a suit and tie, or a jersey, or khakis, or a baseball hat.
He just has a heart for adventure and for me.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1- go.

That's it. Summer is over. 

My high school career continues and my "college career" begins in less than 24 hours.

Ya know, it's weird.. being the one who's getting asked "When do you test for your license?" "Do you have any colleges in mind yet?" "Do you know what you want to do?"

I feel no where near that old. I don't know if it's that being this age isn't all it's cracked up to be? Or I've just been counting down the days so I've been prepared for it.

Nonetheless, I'm ready for my Junior year. For my first term at community college. I have literally been counting down the years.. months.. weeks.. days.. and now it's tomorrow. My countdown is almost up!

I have a feeling these next two years are going to be big. Big things are going to happen. It's going to require a lot of late nights, no sleep, hard work, and balance. Since I had so many things I wanted to do, I thought I would make a list. Even though, you may not care to see them- here are my goals for before I graduate high school:

1. Get my license in January.

2. Get a good job in February.

3. Visit University of Maryland.

4. Pass all of my classes with a B(at the least).

5. Decide my major.

6. Get accepted into University of Maryland.

7. Have my graduation announcement say: "Emily successfully graduated with her AA in ______, she will be furthering her education at the University of Maryland in the Fall."

Start strong, end stronger.

I've gotta say though- I'm going to miss summer nights by the fire, rainy days watching movies, sunny days by the water, traveling, etc. Summer of 2012 has been the best time I've had in awhile. Memories I'll never forget, without a doubt. 

I've learned this summer that the things you do matter a lot more as you get older. My choices, my actions, what I say- it matters. I may be figuring out life slowly and how in the world I'm going to accomplish all of these goals in two years.. but I'm ready for it. 

This is the beginning to the end. 

I'm ready. 

The countdown is up.

5.

4.

3. 

2.

1.

GO.

Inspiration, Hopeful, Awakened

I have a confrence this weekend called "The Gloabal Leadership Summit."

I have high hopes for this to inspire me and to renew my mind a little bit.

Lord,

I don't exactly know what to say to You. It hurts me that I don't know.

But I do know that I haven't put a limit on what You can do for 16 years-

& that isn't starting today.

I pray that You will breathe life into me again. Breathe hope, breathe love.

I'm forever grateful that I serve a God whom loves me, cares for me, and knows how to care for me.

A mere, sinful human being- You choose to care for.

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

My soul can't help but sing.

Breaking people down won't build you up.

Everybody gets worn out, right?
Everybody gets emotionally drained, right?
Everybody gets to the breaking point, right?
Everybody has an outlet, right? Wrong.

I've always been that outlet for people, for some reason. It used to be something I struggled with because I would take comments personally-that people were only saying out of sadness or anger. My mom(whom I love so very much, one of my role models in life. Wonderful story, wonderful woman of God.) told me that God just blessed me with a heart that could handle a lot, a loyal heart, and a listening heart. I really am grateful that God blessed me with the heart that He has. But whether it be my sister or a friend- the comments can get to be overwhelming and I can start to take it to heart. Everything they decide to put on me gets to be too much.

& I'm sitting, empty handed, alone-
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Wondering why I am so tired.

Wondering what I need to change.

Wondering what more I could possibly do.

It hurts. 

I'm typically a happy, bubbly person and I do my best to make everyone happy too. If they're in a bad mood, I try to point out the positives or refocus their attention once they are done letting it all out. Apparently, it can be too much though. I understand that and I always have to keep myself and my attitude in check so I don't get misinterpreted as ditzy or rude.

But they don't understand that I don't have an outlet.
I have to suck it up and move on and be happy.

& most importantly, stay strong.

I'd like to say I have the answers.

But for once, I'm still sitting here empty handed.

*iPhone post. I apologize for the quality.*