: striving to be a melody rather than clanging symbols

You know what's hard? Actually, I don't have to tell you what's hard because everyone has something that's hard for them. What's hard for me is when you realize that in a mere six months how much your heart, attitude, and personality has changed.

I've graduated high school, got my license, traveled from Africa and back, had my heart ache, and even completed my first year of college. Never boring, remember?

I'm not going to complain and say my life sucks or that I'm sick of hurting, so don't worry. I will say that after being back for a busy couple of weeks, I need to still be striving to extend the same grace Christ extended to me and let my life be a melody.

The past six months haven't been bad. I have gone through a lot of things, a lot of realizations and a lot of "I don't know what to do so I'm not going to do anything." If you know me aside from the blog, then you know that that is not usually in attitude I typically have. I've struggled with finding healthy relationships the past three years. Quite honestly, I had convinced myself-- or, the enemy had convinced me-- that the reason I was struggling so much in everything was because of the mistakes I have made in my past. The word redemption meant that Christ had forgave me. Not that He has redeemed me, made me new, gave me a heart changed, set me free.

Yes, there are some consequences for the things that I've done... Because as much as God is love, He is also just.

Day in and day out, I was frustrated with people. Why can't I connect? Why is there a barrier between you and I? What am I doing wrong that it's now 3 1/2 years living in Maryland and I still feel like I moved here yesterday. Especially since so many people I've decided to let go when they walked out, for the last time.

"Knowing how to be solitary

 is central to the art of loving. 

When we can be alone,

we can be with others

without using them

as an escape."

Sometimes God has to strip you of whatever is yielding you from bring Him glory and praise. He has to strip you of who you thought you were. He has to show you all over again what it means to love, to be for Christ. Sometimes that means being alone. Don't get me wrong here, just because you are alone does not mean that you have to be lonely.

God isn't punishing me for the mistakes I've made. I am set free from those mistakes. I am a changed heart. I am learning to be satisfied in Christ alone. I am being reminded that I can't comprehend His holiness or that He is holding the world in the palm of His hands. And, in His right palm, my name is engraved and He loves me. He loves me. He saw me and He met me where I was. He knows me. He knows my heart and the way my mind works. He loves me.

That is all the more reason for me to extend radical grace to others and even to myself, because He wouldn't give me a calling and not give me the grace to be obedient to it. It's a reason to begin to pray everyday that God would soften my heart a little bit more and help me to love genuinely.

I want to fear the Lord to gain the foundation of true knowledge. (Prov. 1:7)

Keep my heart, eyes, mind, ears, and mouth on guard. (2 Tim. 2:22)

Keep my hands clean & my heart in purity.

Keep my eyes fixed on the throne.

Remind me daily of Your glory.

Remind me to sing every single morning of Your praises.

Remind me that You are holding the world everyday.

Sing victory. Sing peace.

Remind me that my life apart from you is clanging symbols, but a life striving for You is a melody singing Holy, Holy,  Holy is the Lord, God Almighty....

speak to me :

words of kindness. words of wholeness. words of passion.
tell me that you would walk the obscure path, whether it would lead to my heart.

or lead to a grand new adventure.

walk the path - because the journey along the way is enough.
walk the path & speak to me the words you swore you’d never say to another lady.
walk the path & find the crevice in my heart; find out what swoons me. find out my missing piece, or why the crevice in my heart was there in the first place.

& why there are so many other broken pieces to this  b e a t i n g  heart.

walk the path & you will find -
                            what makes me happy
                            what brings tears to my eyes
                            what brings a smile so big that my jaw aches
                            what makes me dance in my bedroom
                            what drives my curiosity
they’ll sound like the waves crashing against each other then onto the sand. they’ll sound like 3AM sounds of silence in the woods. they’ll sound like the flashes of a polaroid camera capturing a genuine moment. they’ll sound like joy.
they will fill me up.
& you can take a deep breath of relief and of joy…
                                 as if you just got done running to see me, to tell me unspoken words.

but the journey then would be finished. 

you would have reached the end point-

shall you speak these words?

or, are we not ready for this journey to end, 

not knowing where or when it will eventually come to an end.

& so we’ll live blissfully like this....

love deeply : get hurt badly

I've been replaying C.S. Lewis' quote in my mind, that says:

If you love deeply,
you’re going to get hurt badly.
But it’s. still. worth. it.

for. DAYS. 

 

I recently found out that I am going to Ethiopia, this June, for 10 days. I am beyond excited. I had applied to do a summer internship in Guatemala for 2 months, I had got accepted then I found out they hired one too many people. Myself being one of the last ones hired and the youngest, it made the most sense for me to not go. I found this out the week of Christmas so I kept it to myself until after the holidays. I wanted to process and try to wrap my mind around why. (I probably ask myself too much "why" questions. Curiosity is a blessing and a curse.) I barely got any sleep those two weeks. I eventually told people. I was still broken hearted though. Why did God want me here when my heart is clearly to love the least of these? Why did he give me a heart for something that I can't be doing right now?

 

Except, I can. I didn't see the girls, and even some guys, that I've been trying to speak life into as loving the least of these. I didn't see this as doing anything for a better purpose. But hearts can be hungry too. 

 

I mean, let's be honest: we all strive to be known completely and then accepted as we are and then loved wholly. We're human. We want this. God even designed us to crave these things.

 

So God has put this on my heart to do that. It requires being humbled daily, that though I am blameless and clean I still have made countless mistakes. It requires loving on days that I don't think I can get out of bed. It requires answering that phone call at 2AM and just listening, not even speaking a word. It requires an open heart and letting Him and Him alone speak through me. It requires being kind quickly and angry slowly.

 

Even though, God calls us to love the least of these. I think when He spoke that, He meant least of these in heart, mind, and appearance. If it was only based on if a persons stomach was hungry or not- I feel like it would be easier. It would not hurt any less though.

 

All of this to say: God has given me this heart to love people. To be love. & there are days that I don't want to get out of bed becuase it hurts and nobody understands any of the reasons why I'm hurting. But like another C.S. Lewis quote, I am made for another place. 

If we find ourselves with a desire 

that nothing in this world can satisfy, 

the most probable explanation is that:

 we were made for another world.

Love and mercy are on the rise & someday I will be loved and so will everyone else. No more hurt.

& that is why never ceasing to love passionately is worth it.